Every now and then I try to run a self-diagnostic on how I’m feeling. Reading back over my posts is a helpful short cut into tracing my various moods. Yesterday’s post in which I took a swipe at a piece of internal communication tells me I am not yet fully past the ‘angry stage.’
The dignified comment from @paulpukka on behalf of all those corporate teams who have to manage the nuts and bolts of redundancy gave me pause for thought. And I have spent an uncomfortable night reflecting on what he said. My conclusion?
I’m still an angry man.
I’m surprised about that. But then, thinking about it more deeply I am surprised that I am surprised. Redundancy has been my constant companion for nine months now. I suppose I have just got so used to it being there that it’s very fact has ceased to be remarkable. I’ve learned to live with it.
But that’s different to being accepting of redundancy and all the changes it brings. However bright and cheerful my re-spray is below the surface I’m mourning still the many things I loved about my work. That loss and its random unfairness drives part of my anger.
But that cannot be the whole story can it? As I dwelt on this last night with the RPS household coming and going around me it soon became obvious what the other spring to my anger was: the impact of my redundancy on them.
All the time I’m conscious of the uncertainty and fear that has now arrived unbidden in their lives. You see the people you love hurting and you’re powerless to do much, if anything, about it. One of the foundations on which our lives was built is suddenly gone. No wonder they’re hurting. And small wonder this makes me angry.
But it’s wrong to give in to the impulse to take that anger out on folks who are equally caught up in this mess. There is no frontline here in this war on the deficit. Attempting to draw distinctions between all of us who are embroiled in it is fatuous.
There is no frontline in this war on the deficit. The fact of that is becoming obvious with every new announcement of council budgets for 2011/12. And other public services are quietly following suit in setting their budgets. These will have their own impacts as the year unravels.
Our HR, IT and other corporate colleagues attempting to effect the orderly winding up of the businesses in which we work whilst seeing their own teams being made redundant do not deserve any sideswipe from me.
There is no frontline is this war on the deficit.
It is always good to lift up your eyes to the horizon and take in all that is happening around you. I have done so again these past hours and seen once more all the hurt and sorrow. The anger and the fear. They are no single person’s province alone.
Truly there is no frontline, there is only the poor bloody infantry of public service and their passing bell.
The trick of it is to use the way you feel to help achieve whatever new goals your family has set. Otherwise it’s just another piece of pointless self-indulgence. Now that is a waste …