22 January 2011.
Dear Prime Minister,
Director of Communications – 10 Downing Street
I am writing to apply for the above post which I understand will be advertised shortly.
I believe I am ideally, if not uniquely, suited to this role. Let me explain why.
For starters, and fortuitously for you, I happen to be free and could start immediately.
I have watched every episode – including the specials – of The Thick of It. So I have good grasp of what the Director of Communications does. I appreciate that I would obviously need to work on my swearing but I hope you would feel able to accept my assurances that it would only be a matter of a few weeks before I got the f***ing hang of it. (You’ll note I hope my readiness to hit the ground running.)
As far as the other attributes of a successful Director of Communications goes I am also good at shouting and running around. I am able to exaggerate at will (as any one who has read my CV can tell you) and I can create diversions by starting small fires or fights. I also have my cycling proficiency badge – I know you are committed to being greener – and I have my own bike.
I have heard in news reports that your previous Director of Communications fulfilled an important role in connecting you and your colleagues to the thoughts and feelings of the common man or woman. Even if I say it myself, I am as common as muck. Let me demonstrate.
I was only givin’ it large, t’other night when, cor, luv-a-duck, me-old Bow Bells, I’m gettin’ married in the mornin’, Stanley Holloway. Me lover. Me duck. Na’ then. ‘As it happens. Boys and girls. Tha’ knows. On me ‘ead mister.
Clear evidence, I think, that I can help you communicate to all elements of society.
I am also well-acquainted with our youth and their concerns. You will often find me of an evening hanging with my homies in our crib with a nice dry sherry. Bro’.
To recap. I am available. I am committed to better swearing. I am common. And I am down with the kids.
In closing I would like to make it clear that I am passionate about this opportunity. I am available to discuss my application at your earliest possible convenience.
The Redundant Public Servant