Due to freak wormhole in my computer brought about by the Large Hadron Collider a government News Release from 2019 arrived in my inbox this morning. I thought I should share it with you.
“Embargoed until: 00:01 January 1, 2019
Minister salutes New Year with recovery in happiness
Figures released today by the Department of Happiness show that recent growth in national happiness measured by the internationally recognised Mirth Index has continued in the last quarter. National performance reached a low over the summer last year with the poor performance of England in the World Cup exerting a downward pressure on the Mirth Index (except in Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales that saw significant increases in their own indices). Seasonally adjusted happiness is now 17% and approaching a record high.
Lord Opik, the Secretary of State for Happiness said,
‘The figures released today are great news for the country and reflect the real improvements being achieved on the ground. Whether you are chuckling in Chorley, being giddy in Guilford or hysterical in Harpenden you know that being positive and looking on the bright side is good for you and good for the country too. Well done and keep it up.’
Trinny and Susannah, the Ministers of State for Mirth (job share) said,
‘Bang on, Britain! Keep it up! You’re looking fan-bloody-tastic!’
Lord Brown, the government’s Happiness Tsar said,
‘I think we’ve shown that neoclassical endogenous growth theories of happiness are of limited value here.’
Notes for editors:
- The Mirth Index measures happiness according to measures set out in EU Directive 2013/458/EEC Harmonisation of national standards for the measurement of citizen happiness. Securing agreement to the standard, based on work at the Institute of Hilarity in London, was a significant foreign policy achievement of the government in its first term.
- UK performance in happiness has outstripped that of other EU members states in the Euroglee Zone. IMF (International Merriment Foundation) intervention is ongoing in some states.
- Factors included in the Mirth Index include survey responses to questions like: ‘And what side of the bed did you get out of this morning?’ ‘How frequently have you sung in the shower during the last four weeks?’ ‘How many jobs are you currently working to make ends meet?’
- The Local Government (Happiness)(England) Regulations 2016 introduced a new duty on local councils, and other specified bodies, to promote happiness (as defined) in their local areas. Local happiness contracts set out binding happiness outcome measures (not targets) for communities. Progress is reported to local communities through the local annual Happiness Report.
- Happiness in North Ireland, Scotland and Wales is a matter for the devolved administrations.
- The first annual report of Her Majesty’s Inspector of Happiness is expected on 1 April, 2019. The Inspectorate of Happiness was established after the Wolverhampton scandal and laughter riots of 2016 in which local happiness figures were revealed by a whistleblower to have been manufactured. The work of the Inspectorate includes happiness spot-checks in workplaces, homes and public transport.
- The Secretary of State and Ministers will be visiting Mrs Miggins’ Custard Pie Factory and Emporium today and will be available for photographs.